Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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