The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize