You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
