i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
