sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
