Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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