Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
