Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
drinking out of a sandbucket again
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
