Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
