i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
