My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
