Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
