This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
