i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
