I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
