totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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