You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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