Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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