I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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