The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
