I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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