I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
