I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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