Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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