You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
