Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
