Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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