Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
