I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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