You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Randomize
