hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
