It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That accounts for only three of the penises
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
