I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
