So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
