How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
