That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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