Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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