He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize