R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
is it fun? or sober?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
