david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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