If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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