Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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