You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
