I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
