My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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