I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
