i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
