A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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