Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
