he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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