Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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