Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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