Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
