6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We talked him into tasing himself.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
