3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
