Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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