My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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