I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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