I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
