Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I need to stop coming to work sober
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
