y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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